Hawaii Violence Prevention

Jessica was an outgoing woman with a great sense of humor when she met Sam. They fell in love instantly, and after a whirlwind romance they were married. Though Jessica had always dreamed of a big wedding, they eloped because Sam hated crowds. He convinced her that their love was more important than material things. He chose her dress, telling her that she looked beautiful in a certain style.

Over time, Sam became even more controlling, cutting Jessica off from her friends. He insisted she tell him everyone she talked to, and had the home phone cut off, allowing her only a cell phone with a limited number of minutes, and checking the bill every month to see how she used them.

Jessica stayed home alone and tried to keep the house up to Sam’s exacting standards. He chose her clothes, losing his temper if she showed up wearing anything else.  He became physically abusive, always blaming her for his loss of self-control. She was too afraid to leave him.

What went wrong? When Jessica first got involved with Sam, there were some red flags that could have warned her off. The first red flag is the whirlwind romance. A genuine romance will last through difficulties and time. If a man insists he can’t live without a woman when he barely knows her, it may be that he wants to be sure she doesn’t know him well before she commits to him.

A second red flag is that he ignored her desires and insisted on eloping. He only considered his own wishes, twisting her will to his through manipulation. He also used this to cut her ties with her family—the third red flag.

The fourth red flag was choosing her dress. He showed his contempt for her taste, and a foretaste of the future control over her wardrobe. If a man doesn’t trust a woman’s judgment, why would he marry her? Control! Women of all ages must be educated to recognize these patterns—to break the cycle of violence before it begins.